Today, I am in pain. I hurt to the core of my being because a dream I held of being held, of being loved and nurtured, as I try to love and nurture others, is dead.
I knew that things were headed this way. The signs have been clear for some time. But I still hoped that somehow, if I just loved enough, that could be changed. It didn’t happen that way, however, and I am sad.
Things started off with so much promise, so much hope. I felt so loved and cared for. But what I hoped was only the beginning was really the end. Not of everything, not of the friendship we have and the respect and admiration we hold for each other for the people that we are, but, certainly, the end of the something “more” that I thought began that extended weekend of connection.
So, today, I am sad. I sit and meditate, pray and read A Course in Miracles for the hope that it has restored to my life. And I cry.
Life will go on. From this, something new and greater will come. I know, because that is who I am and that is path I have chosen for my life. And it’s hard, it’s extremely hard. The rewards are incredible, but, sometimes, many times, I wish my life was simple, that my life was easy, that I didn’t feel so deeply, that I didn’t have to dig so deep to understand the truth of who I am and how the world works, how we are all connected in the truest and most fundamental sense. Sometimes, it’s simply too much … for myself and for others.
My friend Callie talks about how hard it is being a “too person” – too intense, too emotional, compelled to seek the answers to the hard questions that most people don’t even want to ask. I know exactly what she means.
And, yet, I know I will carry on. I know that this is my path. I just wish that the price of all the rewards I have found in my life – the peace, the joy, the comfort in knowing who I am – was something other than being alone.
Living My Life 
My dear friend,
I’ve been hesitating in my response because quite frankly, I don’t know what to say as you suffer through this. I do know that you will rise again with a renewed purpose. I also know that your ability to love others and feel loved is beyond remarkable. I’m glad I know you “TOO” well. I’m one of those “too persons” too.
HUGS,
Lori
That’s the big pain in the ass about having the sight.
You see the freight train bearing down on you at speed, and there is nothing you can do about it.
Giving more to stop it often makes the train move faster, at least in my experience. I have had to learn to change a bit, get unhooked from the results to make it a little better.
But still, if you have the sight, that doesn’t mean you can change the outcome. People are who they are and they heal in their own time, even if others healing on our schedule would make the world a much less stressful place for us.
It was good, but you saw change coming. And it came, no matter what you did.
And now, the only thing that can help is more change.
Peace be with you, eh?
Um, thanks, Callie …. I think.
Actually, you’re exactly right. There was nothing I could do to change the outcome in this (or any other) situation, and only more change, more growth, more work to remind myself that my happiness does not depend on anything outside me but comes instead from knowing the Source of my being, can help.
I don’t know that, in my case, giving more in hopes of changing the outcome speeds it up instead, but I do know that one of my biggest challenges is learning how much to give before it turns into giving myself away. Since early in my study of A Course in Miracles, I have used one question to help me decide what to do in any given situation: What is the most loving thing to do in this situation for me and for the others involved? Or, put another way: What would Love do? (And no, I don’t mean Jesus, I mean Love.) I’ve also learned that this only works if I seek for a solution that is loving for me and not just for others, because if I leave me out of this equation, it ends in pain for all concerned. So, the challenge is always to know when I go too far and start forgetting to include myself. Of course, the relationship I was in 9 years ago that taught me this lesson most clearly (and most painfully) has been coming up in my thoughts and my conversation for the last week at least. Fortunately, in this most recent relationship, I never came close to giving myself away. Instead, I was able to just keep loving both of us and wait and watch to see where Spirit would take us. Unfortunately, the destination where we ended up was not the one I hoped it said on the ticket I bought when I entered into this relationship, but it, obviously, was the one that I most needed.
Another lesson, another step forward on the road.
Does “giving myself away” mean being invested in a “special relationship,” one that you think might heal you and make you complete?
Exactly!
We say, “God is”, and then we cease to speak because there is nothing else…
Peace, my sister. God did not create any of these things and so they do not exist. This is the deepest message of A Course In Miracles.
I have the deepest empathy for your suffering. But remember that the true cause is not what it appears to be. The true cause is the apparent separation that we feel from God. Remember also that ACIM teaches that this separation never occurred – in fact, never could occur – and so we have no cause to feel any suffering or hurt whatsoever.
We choose to appear as bodies because we are trying to escape this feeling of guilt that we have. But we do not exist as bodies, and neither does anyone around us. We are still pure spirit, and so anything that appears to happen to the illusion of a body is of no consequence.
If only God exists, and we do not exist as apart from Him – how could we possibly suffer in any way unless we choose to see ourselves as something that we are not?
Wake up sister, you are not a body, and your tears are not needed. You are one with God.
In deepest Peace and Love,
Brother Gi-
Ah, ACIM fundamentalists.
“Nothing is Everything, Everything Is Nothing” may well be true, but I have never found it to move the discourse along much.
We are one, but, at least in my view, we are incarnate as separate in a finite world because we have some work to do. We are here for the lessons, and lessons are what we get when we don’t get what we think we wanted.
You really are incarnate now, in the meat, and things really hurt. That doesn’t mean you aren’t connected to the godhead, but it does mean that in this incarnation, you learn through pain.
The universe you are apart of is one, but in the living of the human life, we are all in this alone.
May your spirit grow even as your heart hurts, and may you come away more open and more compassionate, more sure of love.
Abby, it’s August 26 now… I want to hear some happy news!! Actually, I just hope you’re well, sweetie. ;-)
What, you think 11 days is long enough to mope around? Actually, you’re probably right and I am feeling much better these days.
In any case, RG, it’s nice to see you over on this side of the tracks for a change. ;-)
11 Days may not be long enough, but 13 days is! I’m sure you can manage a few reassuring words to all those out who are concerned about you. :)