Sadness.
Is what I feel.
Is what I’ve felt for a very, very long time.
Sadness.
Sometimes, about being transgender and all the challenges that it brings, although mostly that has been a gift that has opened up for me an entire universe of possibilities of being who I am.
Sadness.
Mostly about being alone.
About not having someone to share my life with, now that I know who I am and who I am becoming.
Sadness.
About not having someone who understands me on the deep, deep level where I need to be understood.
Sadness.
About not having someone with whom I feel safe enough to expose the deep well of sadness that I feel lurking in my heart and let it come pouring out of me, not to be fixed or healed, but simply to allow it to flow out of me to ease the burden of hiding it away.
Sadness.
About being afraid … afraid of never being loved the way I know I can love and want to be loved by another.
Afraid of having to live my life always being the strong one who cares for others and not being cared for in the way my heart longs for.
Sadness.
Is what I feel today.
Living My Life 
Here’s hoping you’ll find a way to let that well of sadness pour out of you and seep away into the earth.
You know I’m here for you, whenever. :)
Indeed, I sensed the dam when I saw you. Something refused to allow the floodgates of trust to open up entirely. I hurt for you but know your light with shine once again. As you told me, I’m learning to appreciate the full spectrum of emotion, and that includes the lucidity that sadness brings sometimes. You’ll see what I mean soon.
You are not alone. There is a soul mate out there. There are even multiple soul mates. They will show themselves eventually. It is a difficult time as things settle in your life. Sad, loneliness and solutide is something that crosses the path of us all some day. You will find your solace and happiness. Your are on the right track.
Much love
Alison
Abigail, when I look at your photos you do not seem sad. Your heart is not sad, neither is your soul. You have made decisions that have brought you profound hapiness. What is making you sad is wondering which road to take now. Irrelevant as it may seem here, you are beautiful! Well done!
Alison, Thank you for your lovely comments. You are very perceptive. The choice I made to live as Abigail for the rest of my life has brought me more peace, joy and happiness than I ever believed possible. As I said to my family when I told them about my plan to transition, this choice has brought hope into my life for the very first time. And, yet, sometimes I feel lonely and wish for that certain someone to share my joy and my life. That will come … or it won’t. In either case, I will be happier than I’ve ever been.
How are we wild enough to be our unique self and tame enough to be one of the gang?
This is the fundamental challenge of every human life and the one that always leaves us feeling lost, like we have lost ourselves or we have lost our community.
You made the choice to claim yourself. And as that choice wears in, as you claim your connections, things get better.
Or so they tell me.
But you laugh a lot here: http://lorisrevival.blogspot.com/2008/08/transgender-revival-podcast-episode-3.html
Ah, you caught our podcast! Cool! Yes, mostly I’m happy as I go through my days. And having Lori visit me was such a rare treat; I was very happy. She and I are good support for each other, so her visit definitely made my weekend.
I will never regret my decision to be who I am. Truth be told, I was much lonelier before I transitioned, than I am now. Today, I have many more friends than I ever had before. Still, living alone and working alone from my home is very isolating and grating at times.