Big Changes in Store?

Both of my fans ;-) have been clamoring for some good news, so I promised Khyri I would see what I could do about that.  (Actually, I want to thank all of my friends for their caring and concern.)

This summer has been a challenging time for me in many ways, although it has also had many rich rewards.  One thing that has been clear since last spring, however, is that I need to make some big changes in my life.

First, I want – actually, I need — to change my job.  One thing that has become clear since I went full-time last year and have become more involved in fighting for equal rights for trans, as well as, lesbian, gay and bisexual, people is that that’s where my heart lies.  I get up every morning, turn on my laptop and start reading blogs and the various Yahoo groups I belong to, posting comments, and chatting with friends, giving support where I can, receiving it when I need it.  I can quite easily and happily spend hours doing that — and often do.  But, when the thought of my need to work and actually earn a living begins to creep into to my pleasantly occupied brain, instead of joy, I feel dread.  Over the last few years, I’ve worked hard to learn to recognize when I’m having a feeling, something I had no clue about for most of my life, but you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to see that there’s something wrong with this picture.

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The End of a Dream

Today, I am in pain. I hurt to the core of my being because a dream I held of being held, of being loved and nurtured, as I try to love and nurture others, is dead.

I knew that things were headed this way. The signs have been clear for some time. But I still hoped that somehow, if I just loved enough, that could be changed. It didn’t happen that way, however, and I am sad.

Things started off with so much promise, so much hope. I felt so loved and cared for. But what I hoped was only the beginning was really the end. Not of everything, not of the friendship we have and the respect and admiration we hold for each other for the people that we are, but, certainly, the end of the something “more” that I thought began that extended weekend of connection.

So, today, I am sad. I sit and meditate, pray and read A Course in Miracles for the hope that it has restored to my life. And I cry.

Life will go on. From this, something new and greater will come. I know, because that is who I am and that is path I have chosen for my life. And it’s hard, it’s extremely hard. The rewards are incredible, but, sometimes, many times, I wish my life was simple, that my life was easy, that I didn’t feel so deeply, that I didn’t have to dig so deep to understand the truth of who I am and how the world works, how we are all connected in the truest and most fundamental sense. Sometimes, it’s simply too much … for myself and for others.

My friend Callie talks about how hard it is being a “too person” – too intense, too emotional, compelled to seek the answers to the hard questions that most people don’t even want to ask. I know exactly what she means.

And, yet, I know I will carry on. I know that this is my path. I just wish that the price of all the rewards I have found in my life – the peace, the joy, the comfort in knowing who I am – was something other than being alone.

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The Outing

Hopefully, none of you will be disappointed to find that this post isn’t about a picnic or a trip to the mall. Instead, it’s about my decision to once more tell my story.

As I mentioned on my About Abby page, A Course in Miracles has been an important part of my spiritual life for more than 11 years now. In fact, without the things I have learned through the Course, I would never have had the courage to accept the truth of who I am and become the woman I am today. Thus, I owe a tremendous debt of gratitude to the Course.

I first came to the Course through a woman I began dating in August 1996. Linda had been a student of the Course for several years and we discussed it briefly several times while we were together. At one point, we read the Preface, which describes how the Course came to be and the major lessons it teaches. What I read spoke to a deep place within me but the study group that Linda had been part of had disbanded and I didn’t know how else to begin, so I didn’t pursue it further. In January 1997, however, Linda ended our relationship. By then, I had lived in Prescott for almost two years. During that time, I had noticed an announcement of a weekly Course in Miracles study group in the “community calendar” feature in the local newspaper. Having lost the relationship that I had been clinging to for support and companionship, I was angry and hurt and felt myself sinking further into the depression that has been a part of my life since I was very, very young. Fortunately, by that time, I had learned that I didn’t have to live in misery. I also knew, however, that I had to find something besides the twelve-step meetings, therapy and breathwork sessions that I was already doing, to keep me afloat. In that moment of pain and desperation, I turned to the Course.

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Sadness

Sadness.

Is what I feel.

Is what I’ve felt for a very, very long time.

Sadness.

Sometimes, about being transgender and all the challenges that it brings, although mostly that has been a gift that has opened up for me an entire universe of possibilities of being who I am.

Sadness.

Mostly about being alone.

About not having someone to share my life with, now that I know who I am and who I am becoming.

Sadness.

About not having someone who understands me on the deep, deep level where I need to be understood.

Sadness.

About not having someone with whom I feel safe enough to expose the deep well of sadness that I feel lurking in my heart and let it come pouring out of me, not to be fixed or healed, but simply to allow it to flow out of me to ease the burden of hiding it away.

Sadness.

About being afraid … afraid of never being loved the way I know I can love and want to be loved by another.

Afraid of having to live my life always being the strong one who cares for others and not being cared for in the way my heart longs for.

Sadness.

Is what I feel today.

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