Today, I am in pain. I hurt to the core of my being because a dream I held of being held, of being loved and nurtured, as I try to love and nurture others, is dead.
I knew that things were headed this way. The signs have been clear for some time. But I still hoped that somehow, if I just loved enough, that could be changed. It didn’t happen that way, however, and I am sad.
Things started off with so much promise, so much hope. I felt so loved and cared for. But what I hoped was only the beginning was really the end. Not of everything, not of the friendship we have and the respect and admiration we hold for each other for the people that we are, but, certainly, the end of the something “more” that I thought began that extended weekend of connection.
So, today, I am sad. I sit and meditate, pray and read A Course in Miracles for the hope that it has restored to my life. And I cry.
Life will go on. From this, something new and greater will come. I know, because that is who I am and that is path I have chosen for my life. And it’s hard, it’s extremely hard. The rewards are incredible, but, sometimes, many times, I wish my life was simple, that my life was easy, that I didn’t feel so deeply, that I didn’t have to dig so deep to understand the truth of who I am and how the world works, how we are all connected in the truest and most fundamental sense. Sometimes, it’s simply too much … for myself and for others.
My friend Callie talks about how hard it is being a “too person” – too intense, too emotional, compelled to seek the answers to the hard questions that most people don’t even want to ask. I know exactly what she means.
And, yet, I know I will carry on. I know that this is my path. I just wish that the price of all the rewards I have found in my life – the peace, the joy, the comfort in knowing who I am – was something other than being alone.